So, I was grading Unit Test when I realize that there are only (technically) 5 weeks left this semester. I will only have these, my first ever, students for five more weeks. The realization was difficult to swallow.
In five weeks, I would say goodbye to these students and welcome in a whole batch of new faces. I had prepared for everything except this. I had forgotten how it took me close to a month before I knew all 73 names and faces. We, my kids and I, had formed this bond. It’s like they were teaching me, as I was teaching them. Now they would be moving on, and I wondered if I would eventually fade into the back of their minds.
“Happy Grams” went out today. When I checked my box, I had tons; more than any other teacher (that’s what I tell myself!). Kids can send Happy Grams to their friends or teachers. I could not believe that so many of my kids took the time to think about me. One student wrote all over the front and back of the gram. He told me how I was his favorite teacher, how much he loved me, how he looked forward to my class, how much he was going to miss me, and how he hoped I had a great first year. I was touched!
As I read through the grams, I found 3 from students I had never heard of. When I read their grams, I realized that these are students I will have NEXT semester! These students haven’t even had me yet. They wrote me notes to tell me they could not wait for me to be their teacher! I was speechless.
I don’t know if I am a good teacher, I am defiantly not the teacher who inspired me, but I think…maybe, I have the beginnings of being a great teacher. I wonder at what moment a person really becomes what they were supposed to be in life. Do we become a teacher the moment we walk into our classrooms? Do we become a teacher when our students take their first test? Or do we become a teacher when we receive our certificate? I’m still working on that one; I’ll have to get back to you.
As far as today, it was a good day. I really needed it!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Survival: n. the act or fact of surviving, esp. under adverse or unusual circumstances.
The fact that my fingers still remember where the keys are located on this laptop continues to baffle me. For I, Ms. G- the pillar of strength and endurance, have begun to crumble under the pressures of educating the youth. My ferocious plan of attack on my depleting mental well being fell “aft agley.”
When I am not teetering on the very thin line between sanity and insanity Monday through Friday, I have taken pleasure in sleeping. My metabolism creeps along at a slugs pace and my motivation to do anything about it has long since retired to some remote island in the Caribbean; where it is, most likely, sipping margaritas and laughing gaily at some inside joke running between itself and my once creative wit.
I find nothing motivating about my job. I have found myself staring blankly at my lesson plans, confused by the mere sight of them. Just yesterday, I had planned to have the students discuss the character traits of Brutus and Cassius; however, after the entire lesson ran amok before my eyes, I ended up showing them some streamline video on tree frogs. I am serious. I understand tree frogs have nothing to do with literature, but I was completely beaten down. I prayed the students would just fall asleep during the film; I also had nothing else for them to do for the last 15 minutes of class. Fearing the repercussions of my “tree frog” lesson, I had the students write a brief essay critiquing the documentary. This, at least, met one of my standards; and should I have another “walk through evaluation,” they would see that I was utilizing technology in the classroom. She shoots, She SCORES!
I am defiantly in the infamous “survival phase.” Apparently, the survival phase happens about a month before the Christmas break. Supposedly, new teachers feel the real pressures of teaching during this phase. I should say so!
Here is how my last three weeks have played out:
October 7-9 PSAT (I had to Proctor, no planning period was had)
October 17 and 20 (Midterms, I had no idea I was even required to give one. Because of scheduling, no planning period)
October 21 – 23 HSAP (I had to proctor, yet again; no planning period)
My planning period is very precious to me. Nothing fills my heart with joy as much as when the 2nd block bell rings to signal the beginning of my planning period. My heart leaps with joy when, during a lecture, I glance at the clock to find I am only five minutes away from my “free” time. Sometimes, I turn off the lights in my classroom and just sit in the dark. I hid from fellow teachers wishing to share some insignificant instructional strategy for teaching drama or whatever.
I don’t want you to think that my day revolves around planning periods and discovering new ways to ditch my coworkers; because, it’s not like that…well not every day. I just feel so overwhelmed. I had no idea teaching would require so much of my personal life…what little I have anymore. I feel incompetent every single day. I question my decision to go into teaching, I question if I made the right choice moving to this new town. I miss the old Ms. G. I used to be fun and funny. I used to let my troubles roll off my back. I have become tired, moody, angry, and resentful. I bottle these feelings up inside and muddle through my day. I feel neglected by my “teammates” at school and underestimated by my students. I think this is what they mean when they say “burning out.” But how is this possible? I just started! Burn out isn’t supposed to happen until after 30 years of teaching! I just started!
What if I never come back! What if I can no longer reach my students? What happens when a tree frog video becomes a staple in my weekly lesson plans, and what happens if someone catches me sleeping during my planning period?
Lesson plans, faculty meetings, new teacher training, PACE training, volunteer programs, insolent students, insolent parents, snotty teachers, paperwork, observations, overhead projectors with faulty cords, PowerPoint presentations, more paperwork, IEPs, 504s, BIPs, Little Johnny forgot his pencil, high fail rates, HSAP, EOC, more paper work, and a partridge in a pear tree...all of which have become the bane of my existence.
31 days until Christmas break....
The fact that my fingers still remember where the keys are located on this laptop continues to baffle me. For I, Ms. G- the pillar of strength and endurance, have begun to crumble under the pressures of educating the youth. My ferocious plan of attack on my depleting mental well being fell “aft agley.”
When I am not teetering on the very thin line between sanity and insanity Monday through Friday, I have taken pleasure in sleeping. My metabolism creeps along at a slugs pace and my motivation to do anything about it has long since retired to some remote island in the Caribbean; where it is, most likely, sipping margaritas and laughing gaily at some inside joke running between itself and my once creative wit.
I find nothing motivating about my job. I have found myself staring blankly at my lesson plans, confused by the mere sight of them. Just yesterday, I had planned to have the students discuss the character traits of Brutus and Cassius; however, after the entire lesson ran amok before my eyes, I ended up showing them some streamline video on tree frogs. I am serious. I understand tree frogs have nothing to do with literature, but I was completely beaten down. I prayed the students would just fall asleep during the film; I also had nothing else for them to do for the last 15 minutes of class. Fearing the repercussions of my “tree frog” lesson, I had the students write a brief essay critiquing the documentary. This, at least, met one of my standards; and should I have another “walk through evaluation,” they would see that I was utilizing technology in the classroom. She shoots, She SCORES!
I am defiantly in the infamous “survival phase.” Apparently, the survival phase happens about a month before the Christmas break. Supposedly, new teachers feel the real pressures of teaching during this phase. I should say so!
Here is how my last three weeks have played out:
October 7-9 PSAT (I had to Proctor, no planning period was had)
October 17 and 20 (Midterms, I had no idea I was even required to give one. Because of scheduling, no planning period)
October 21 – 23 HSAP (I had to proctor, yet again; no planning period)
My planning period is very precious to me. Nothing fills my heart with joy as much as when the 2nd block bell rings to signal the beginning of my planning period. My heart leaps with joy when, during a lecture, I glance at the clock to find I am only five minutes away from my “free” time. Sometimes, I turn off the lights in my classroom and just sit in the dark. I hid from fellow teachers wishing to share some insignificant instructional strategy for teaching drama or whatever.
I don’t want you to think that my day revolves around planning periods and discovering new ways to ditch my coworkers; because, it’s not like that…well not every day. I just feel so overwhelmed. I had no idea teaching would require so much of my personal life…what little I have anymore. I feel incompetent every single day. I question my decision to go into teaching, I question if I made the right choice moving to this new town. I miss the old Ms. G. I used to be fun and funny. I used to let my troubles roll off my back. I have become tired, moody, angry, and resentful. I bottle these feelings up inside and muddle through my day. I feel neglected by my “teammates” at school and underestimated by my students. I think this is what they mean when they say “burning out.” But how is this possible? I just started! Burn out isn’t supposed to happen until after 30 years of teaching! I just started!
What if I never come back! What if I can no longer reach my students? What happens when a tree frog video becomes a staple in my weekly lesson plans, and what happens if someone catches me sleeping during my planning period?
Lesson plans, faculty meetings, new teacher training, PACE training, volunteer programs, insolent students, insolent parents, snotty teachers, paperwork, observations, overhead projectors with faulty cords, PowerPoint presentations, more paperwork, IEPs, 504s, BIPs, Little Johnny forgot his pencil, high fail rates, HSAP, EOC, more paper work, and a partridge in a pear tree...all of which have become the bane of my existence.
31 days until Christmas break....
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